DRH 1138

Why settle for Prince Charming when you can be the queen?

The slumped over body sitting on the couch made no noise as Cassie dialed her cell. She watched for movement, uneasy in the silence of the thing she called her husband. It had all been so much work, to train him, for him to learn her habits and desires and to understand her routine. She certainly didn’t want a pet, but also didn’t want the alternative, a repulsive domestication. These were two extremes. She wanted to find the pleasant middle, which resulted in multiple calls to customer service. This, the third call, would be her final.

“Hello, this is Darling RoboHubby customer service. My name is Julie. Can you provide your serial number?” the pleasant voice asked.

“Yes, it’s DRH 1138,” Cassie said.

“One moment please while I pull up your details,” Julie said, followed by the clickety-clack sound of manicured nails typing on a keyboard. “Ah, Mrs. Sandler, your model is still under warranty, and I can see you’ve required some assistance already. What can I help you with today?” Julie asked.

“I want a refund.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, you no longer qualify for a refund. According to the Husband Android Legislation 9000 act, we can only reimburse within 30 days of purchase. However, you will receive lifetime customer support. Can I help you address a specific issue?”

“Ugh, I’ve tried this already. Nothing works.”

Julie typed furiously, the press of every key filling the brief silence between the two women, and then asked, “Are you still having issues with his decision making capacity?”

“No, he makes decisions for me now, but he makes terrible decisions! They’re never the decision I would have made. I’ve adjusted the sensitivity, but that doesn’t change the outcome.”

“Yes, that would be related to comprehension, not sensitivity. Does he appear to be engaging in the conversation and asking all of the right questions?”

“He does, but sometimes I just want him to listen, or at least pretend to be listening. I want him to make a few decisions, but that doesn’t mean I need him to solve every problem.”

“Ah, I see, well, the heuristics require adjustments based on a number of interactions. Have you told him how you feel, when you want him to listen closely, or even make those crucial decisions for you? Remember, DRH models have no feelings — that is unless of course you’ve toyed with the emotional stabilizers. Some women want a more romantic counterpart.”

“Shouldn’t he just… know how I’m feeling? And yes, I want him to feel something, too, but that results in him requiring certain needs to be met. If you know what I mean.”

“I certainly do. I own the latest model myself. An increase of testosterone is an unfortunate byproduct to counterbalance the emotions.”

“Is there an adjustment I can make from the app?”

“It really depends. Most women still prefer the garbage to be taken out, the lawn mowed, groceries carried and the home repairs made in a timely fashion. If you want an organic balance, I suggest you don’t toy with his emotions.”

“This is a lot of work. How is it any different from a bio partner?”

The silence on the phone indicated Julie couldn’t tell if Cassie was serious. She finally burst out laughing and the clickety-clack of the keyboard resumed as a few notes were added to summarize the conversation up until that point.

“We’ve got a saying here at headquarters: ‘Why chase a bio partner when you're the finish line.’ I think we can all agree a DRH is the best alternative to a traditional companion. Imagine the effort required to train a human male. An impossible task to say the least,” Julie insisted.

“Can’t we automate this process? It’s all so mechanical. Why all the fiddling with app buttons and dials? Can’t he learn everything naturally?” Cassie asked.

“Well, there is one alternative, but it’s irreversible. We only recommend it in extreme circumstances. It’s our policy to inform customers of all their options, but this beta feature is a tad experimental.”

“You know it works?”

“Results vary, which I’m obligated to say, but I’ve spoken to a few women who wish they’d done it sooner.”

“Let’s do it. Nothing’s worse than getting lost and forcing him to ask for directions because I overclocked his pride module.”

“This requires verbal confirmation. For the record, I have your authorization to continue? Remember, it’s irreversible.”

“Yes!”

“Okay, if your DRH has already been powered down, what I want you to do is press on his left earlobe and slowly repeat the following phrases: ‘Get my dinner woman.’, ‘This laundry won’t fold itself.’ and ‘That dress makes you look fat.’”

The phrases were an odd choice to unlock a secret feature, but Cassie was willing to try anything. If it didn’t work, she could sell him at a steep discount on the black market. While used and partially trained, a younger woman with more ambition could certainly change his behavior to suit her needs. But getting caught could mean serious consequences, a risk she didn’t want to take. Besides, she couldn’t afford another model, and the idea of living alone left her feeling neglected.

She repeated the phrases while pressing down on his right earlobe, excited at the prospect of positive results. A few seconds elapsed as the system rebooted. DRH 1138 awoke, scratched his belly and looked at Cassie with deep, soulful eyes. She smiled, and he asked, “Did you shower today?”

“Huh?” Cassie asked.

“I was going to invite the boys over for game night. Are you going to wear that in front of them?”

“Julie, I think something went wrong.”

“Hold on Mrs. Sandler, the account details are updating, indicating your choice to… oh, oh no, did you press the left or right earlobe?” Julie asked.

“What do you mean? I don’t know, right, left, what does it matter?!?”

“Babe, are you going to be off the phone soon? I’m hungry. How about you make Daddy a sandwich,” DRH 1138 said.

“Mrs. Sandler, I’m sorry for the inconvenience, I really am, but you should have followed instructions. There’s not much I can do, but if you should require counseling in the future, we do offer a supplemental package at a discount,” Julie said.

“I don’t know why I ever listened to my sister. She’s been through two DRH models already. I knew this would never work,” Cassie said, hanging up the phone.

“We’ve got a few spare minutes. How about a little dessert before my sandwich,” DRH 1138 said, following up with a wink.

“I’ve got a headache,” was all Cassie could think to say.