I liked this, the brooding menace, the whole atmosphere, and it gets to you - you want to know the back story and maybe what happens after, but I think you captured what you were after with the nature of people trapped in it, and the cafe itself, without needing any more. I read this three times - once I got the gist of the story, I read it back to see if there were nuances and clues, but I couldn't spot any - Were the matches that wouldn't light and Bev's three children maybe clues? Anyway - I am always reluctant to make suggestions to other writers, but because I am always delighted when others give me a steer on something they think might improve it or suggest something that didn't work for them, and hoping you won't take offence , I thought this line:-
“Sweetwater Cafe doesn’t hold anybody against their will. Whatever weighs them down is plenty heavy for all eternity,” he said.
was the critical line in the story, but it would have been more subtle without the "for all eternity" - I sounded out a few alterntatives and think that "to make 'em stay," or "keep them here," would work, and be more what Frank might say.
(and also Christopher didn't seem the right name for that dickhead - but maybe its because my dad and some of my best friends are called Christopher so I'm biased and maybe you know a dickhed or two called that.)
Thank you for reading and for taking the time to offer feedback, Nick! You definitely picked up on one of the most important lines. The "for all eternity" was added in my last reading because I didn't think the meaning came across strong enough, but maybe it's a little heavy handed now that I read it again. With this kind of surrealism, it's a balancing act to leave enough out in the air to be open to interpretation.
As far as the name, that becomes harder and harder as I write more short stories. My apologies to those wonderful Christophers in your life. 😁
Hi Brian! I think it's really interesting that so few words can make a real difference and we will all have our different perspective and agonise over what feels right. don't get me wrong... I thought the story was very good! I was really in the diner and wanting to punch the sleazebag myself!
Very well done. I loved the vibe of an almost purgatorial place.
Thank you, Keith!
This is awesome! Really gritty - so glad she escaped! I just hope Christopher doesn't come after her...
Thank you, Nicole! I have a sneaking suspicion that Christopher is too selfish to leave.
Excellent! I, too, was reminded of the glorious Twilight Zone.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Liz! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Well done!
Thank you!
Really nice!
Thank you, Jessica!
This was fun Brian
Thanks, Tom! Glad you enjoyed it.
Woah. So good. Its surrealism reminded me of a Pinter play!
Thanks, Leanne, I had to look up Pinter plays! Thanks for passing that along.
I was backstage help once at Uni for a Pinter play. Got to hear it a Lot!
Hi Brian .
I liked this, the brooding menace, the whole atmosphere, and it gets to you - you want to know the back story and maybe what happens after, but I think you captured what you were after with the nature of people trapped in it, and the cafe itself, without needing any more. I read this three times - once I got the gist of the story, I read it back to see if there were nuances and clues, but I couldn't spot any - Were the matches that wouldn't light and Bev's three children maybe clues? Anyway - I am always reluctant to make suggestions to other writers, but because I am always delighted when others give me a steer on something they think might improve it or suggest something that didn't work for them, and hoping you won't take offence , I thought this line:-
“Sweetwater Cafe doesn’t hold anybody against their will. Whatever weighs them down is plenty heavy for all eternity,” he said.
was the critical line in the story, but it would have been more subtle without the "for all eternity" - I sounded out a few alterntatives and think that "to make 'em stay," or "keep them here," would work, and be more what Frank might say.
(and also Christopher didn't seem the right name for that dickhead - but maybe its because my dad and some of my best friends are called Christopher so I'm biased and maybe you know a dickhed or two called that.)
Thank you for reading and for taking the time to offer feedback, Nick! You definitely picked up on one of the most important lines. The "for all eternity" was added in my last reading because I didn't think the meaning came across strong enough, but maybe it's a little heavy handed now that I read it again. With this kind of surrealism, it's a balancing act to leave enough out in the air to be open to interpretation.
As far as the name, that becomes harder and harder as I write more short stories. My apologies to those wonderful Christophers in your life. 😁
Hi Brian! I think it's really interesting that so few words can make a real difference and we will all have our different perspective and agonise over what feels right. don't get me wrong... I thought the story was very good! I was really in the diner and wanting to punch the sleazebag myself!
Feels like the start of an episode of The Twilight Zone!
Thanks for reading Alexa! I've always loved the comparisons.
Well done, Brian!
Thank you, Bob, and thank you for commenting!